A couple of weeks ago, I went up for prayer at the altar in my church. The lady who prayed for me, a leader in the church, was very nice as well as mature in years. Before she began, she asked me what I needed prayer for and I told her that I was scared. I said that I had recently graduated college and that I now want to teach English, but I don't know where to teach or even exactly how to go about it. The lady, about 60 years old, then gave me this knowing (and possibly amused) smile--I would've almost thought it patronizing if I didn't already know her to be a sincere and kind person--and began to pray. After she briefly asked God for discernment and courage for me, she patted me on the cheek and said, "You're sweet."
I had a several-tiered reaction to that time at the altar, trying to compare my youth with her experience and get a "perspective win" by thinking things like, "I'll get through this anxiety. This church leader has likely gotten through similar anxiety and toooooons more, new anxiety since then." Unfortunately, this comparison exercise didn't yield much fruit because (obv.) I was only operating with half the knowledge in this thought activity. I don't know what it's like to be old, to have rich and varied life experience. I only know what it's like to be young.
Then I realized something: Being young and trying to navigate adult life is like driving down the freeway with only the frame and engine of a car. The other parts are there, in and around the car, that would make driving easier and faster but I don't know how to put them together. And the other, older cars on the road are passing me by or forcing me to try to keep up, to speed up and figure it out, by riding my bumper-frame. Those cars look fully formed, their drivers are handling this freeway with various levels of ease, regardless of the quality of the vehicle. Of course, I'm not the only frame; there are others around me, and we're all being thrust out into this giant road, with its high-pressure elements and somewhat agreed upon rules of how to drive on it well. And the freeway doesn't adjust itself and become less daunting for me because I don't know how to put my car together yet; in fact, I'm pretty positive that I have to build the rest of my vehicle while I'm already driving.
So, that's how I'm feeling about becoming an adult right now. Ill-equipped, and overwhelmed, and frantically curious about how the older and wiser became the impressive, less terrified of adulthood, people that they are today.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Hello, Destiny? I can't hear you over all my static.
Often, I'm lazy.
Sleep until my head buries,
Why wake to more rest?
I just made a haiku about how lazy I am. I did it really quickly. I also write with lots of adverbs. Usually. I am lazy.
(Timidity+Fear)+(Uncertain Potential Circumstances-No Actual Circumstances) = Life Paralysis
Boredom
I've heard it said that "only boring people are bored." I cite Mr. Sherlock Holmes as evidence to the contrary. However, I've also read that "the unlived life is not worth examining." So, I should do things and be less carefully inactive.
Sleep until my head buries,
Why wake to more rest?
I just made a haiku about how lazy I am. I did it really quickly. I also write with lots of adverbs. Usually. I am lazy.
(Timidity+Fear)+(Uncertain Potential Circumstances-No Actual Circumstances) = Life Paralysis
Boredom
I've heard it said that "only boring people are bored." I cite Mr. Sherlock Holmes as evidence to the contrary. However, I've also read that "the unlived life is not worth examining." So, I should do things and be less carefully inactive.
Friday, November 16, 2012
A political post, for once
Bold/clever rhetorical strategy. Also, how refreshing to see a thinking preacher who is aware of our past and present society and of the minefield that is scripture ripped from its context.
You must watch this until the end or you will fully miss the point.
Monday, September 10, 2012
The one where I write about writing
Lately I've been thinking about honesty in writing, in the importance of "finding my voice." I've also realized that my writing looks different, depending on the context.
on facebook, for example, i try to be super informal. i don't use caps, i give my friends an obnoxious amount of emoticons, and i'm always enthusiastically punctuating! :) i want my fb friends to know i'm happy to be there, happy to be talking to them, and happy to not take myself too seriously (i'm def not writing a peer-review essay, after all!).
In academic writing, however, I have taken the time to analyze and attempt to reproduce the erudite texts of my superiors. This clumsy mimicry of my forced scholarly encounters includes opaque phrasing of simple concepts, copious--not to mention, often incorrect--use of the m dash, and, finally, all the transitional words necessary to simultaneously make my next logical point both painstakingly clear and confusingly verbose--all for academic acceptance, of course.
Actually, as a side note, I have recently come across a pretty good article that calls into question all these writing rules that scholars must follow and cites the danger of mental and expressive stagnation when adhering strictly to them. http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=26&storycode=421045&c=2 if you're interested. My favorite quote from this article is found in one of the comments: "Clunky writing is proof positive of lazy thinking." It's my favorite because it's true. When I tried to make a analytical point in college that I hadn't fully thought through, I'd just borrow the jargon and sorta scratch the surface of something potentially profound, and then let the more educated professor's mind fill in the blanks with something more thorough and interesting than whatever it was I had initially thought of. It usually worked but it always felt a little deceptive. Not to mention, it cheated me of actually having to think up to my standards.
And then, of course, there's writing for Art and writing for Pleasure. These types of writing frighten me far more than the other two because it requires a vulnerability that I can avoid in social and academic writing. It also reminds me what a literary baby I am. I spend so much time trying to copy the style of other authors in order to be able to avoid my own limitations. I should probably state here that for me, good artistic writing requires honesty just as much as effective personal writing, and that I have a (lazy?) habit of conflating content and style when writing about my voice and about my inhibitions. When I ask myself what my voice is, what my writing style looks like, I still don't know. I think that is actually why I'm blogging--I want to find out.
on facebook, for example, i try to be super informal. i don't use caps, i give my friends an obnoxious amount of emoticons, and i'm always enthusiastically punctuating! :) i want my fb friends to know i'm happy to be there, happy to be talking to them, and happy to not take myself too seriously (i'm def not writing a peer-review essay, after all!).
In academic writing, however, I have taken the time to analyze and attempt to reproduce the erudite texts of my superiors. This clumsy mimicry of my forced scholarly encounters includes opaque phrasing of simple concepts, copious--not to mention, often incorrect--use of the m dash, and, finally, all the transitional words necessary to simultaneously make my next logical point both painstakingly clear and confusingly verbose--all for academic acceptance, of course.
Actually, as a side note, I have recently come across a pretty good article that calls into question all these writing rules that scholars must follow and cites the danger of mental and expressive stagnation when adhering strictly to them. http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=26&storycode=421045&c=2 if you're interested. My favorite quote from this article is found in one of the comments: "Clunky writing is proof positive of lazy thinking." It's my favorite because it's true. When I tried to make a analytical point in college that I hadn't fully thought through, I'd just borrow the jargon and sorta scratch the surface of something potentially profound, and then let the more educated professor's mind fill in the blanks with something more thorough and interesting than whatever it was I had initially thought of. It usually worked but it always felt a little deceptive. Not to mention, it cheated me of actually having to think up to my standards.
And then, of course, there's writing for Art and writing for Pleasure. These types of writing frighten me far more than the other two because it requires a vulnerability that I can avoid in social and academic writing. It also reminds me what a literary baby I am. I spend so much time trying to copy the style of other authors in order to be able to avoid my own limitations. I should probably state here that for me, good artistic writing requires honesty just as much as effective personal writing, and that I have a (lazy?) habit of conflating content and style when writing about my voice and about my inhibitions. When I ask myself what my voice is, what my writing style looks like, I still don't know. I think that is actually why I'm blogging--I want to find out.
Monday, August 20, 2012
"I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth"
I think I'm going to need to ease into this whole blogging-regularly thing. Either that, or I will have to spend at least the next 3 posts blogging about blogging. Meta-blogging, if you will. I'd talk pros and cons about expressing a personal opinion in writing, I'd talk more about my laziness and cowardice, and good heavens, would that be tedious. Right now, I just think I want to open-hearted blog with some training wheels, so... SURVEY!:
When you and your friends are out and about, do you usually get dirty looks?
Depends on the friends. With most of my friends, no.
1. Do you regret anything you've done this year?
I regret things I HAVEN'T done this year. And my (oh my) is that worse.
2. Do you get easily embarrassed?
I blush really easily. Not sure if that's a sign of a weak character or a beautiful, sensitive one.
3. You doing anything fun today?
Since I've graduated into a very part-time job at a grocery store, most of my time is my own. So the awesomeness of my day is usually up to me. Short answer: Define "fun." I mean, I've been reading a lot of Game of Thrones lately...
4. Do you know what it's like to be truly happy?
I've been very happy before. I honestly wish I had some kind of litmus test for the purity of my happiness though! Does it get better?! How can I tell for sure?!
5. Where do you currently want to be?
Anywhere but here <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
6. Is there someone who instantly makes you smile when they send you a message?
I think a higher priority should be placed on the message itself here.
7. Do you believe in love?
Of course. God is love.
8. Do you have trust issues?
I honestly have no idea why the font changed here. Seriously, I don't know what my computer did. I think I'm just going to go with it, though. PAY ATTENTION TO THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION! Um, sure I have issues with trust; I'm not going to specifiy what kind of issues but here's a hint: it's no kind of issues that should be placed in bold font over a graphic of attractive people in exotic locales looking moody. Nothing like "all a girl wants is for one man to prove to her that they're not all the same" or any of that twaddle.
9. Do you think you're trustworthy?
Yes. I try hard to be honest and to follow through with what I say. Unfortunately, I'm changeable and selfish and I let people down, but I like to think that my heart is in the right place.
10. Who's bed were you on last?
My own. Perpetual virgin right hurrr.
11. Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?
Physically, sure. But I'd prefer not to.
12. Have you jumped in a pool with all your clothes on?
Yeah! It was fun!
13. Is someone on your mind?
I've been having this weird asshole-ish tendency to want to answer all of these questions literally, according to how they're worded. I need to PIN THAT DOWN. (Note to self: Be normal-er. This is why you annoy people.)
Sure, I've been thinking of someone a lot. "Someone" is worth thinking about.
14. Do you always answer your phone?
Usually, if my phone is on me. I don't always have it on me and that bothers people.
15. What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
"Blaah..phone is going...I'm cold....Me not get up for three more hours...Can't think of anything worth facing today...."
16. Does anyone disgust you?
Certain types of people disgust me. People who are always takers and never givers. People who think that subjugation is an indication of strength and who think that people need to fear them in order to respect them. People who think criticism and insults are the ways to teach a lesson.
17. Do you laugh a lot?
Yeah I do
18. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I HOPE so. But if it's a mistake, it should be like a major mistake. My next kiss should be with an old white man..running for senate..who insists on something called "legitimate rape"...and it should take place in a meth lab...while Walter White cooks around us and scolds us for making a mess...and Gus is boxcutting someone in the background, making an even bigger mess...yeah, that's a mistaken kiss to be remembered.
19. How many people have you had STRONG feelings for this year?
Again, tendency to want to answer literally and specifically...romantically, one and a half
20. Were you single over the summer?
Blah, it was a RL version of the Facebook "It's Complicated" relationship status. But I'm gonna go with "no."
21. Is there anything you should be worried about?
Um, there are things I am worried about. Not sure if that means I should be worried about them.
22. You're up after 3 AM, what's the reason?
Not feelin' sleep ATM (as in, Automatic Transaction Machine...what were you thinking that was?)
23. Who was the last person to text you "hello"?
Sarah! Different Sara. Sarah with an "h." Not me, texting myself.
24. Have you ever liked someone just because they were good looking?
Absolutely.
25. Have you ever lost someone you wish you didn't?
Sure. I tripled the surveillance around my mansion, put up "wanted" posters all over this here town, but alas, he alluded me at every turn.
26. What's your mood at the moment?
Happy (but perhaps not TRULY happy) and sort of sedate
27. Have you ever liked someone then the feeling just dropped in the middle of nowhere?
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."
28. Have you ever been 'under the influence'?
Both under and above. I'm a lady-storm. Atmospheric, if you will.
29. Can you name all your best friends?
NAMES? Whoa. Whoa. Let's not get too carried away with all this personal baggage now...
30. Waiting for something?
LUUUUUUCY! YOU CANNOT BE IN THE SHOW! (in this word illustration, I am Lucy.)
When you and your friends are out and about, do you usually get dirty looks?
Depends on the friends. With most of my friends, no.
1. Do you regret anything you've done this year?
I regret things I HAVEN'T done this year. And my (oh my) is that worse.
2. Do you get easily embarrassed?
I blush really easily. Not sure if that's a sign of a weak character or a beautiful, sensitive one.
3. You doing anything fun today?
Since I've graduated into a very part-time job at a grocery store, most of my time is my own. So the awesomeness of my day is usually up to me. Short answer: Define "fun." I mean, I've been reading a lot of Game of Thrones lately...
4. Do you know what it's like to be truly happy?
I've been very happy before. I honestly wish I had some kind of litmus test for the purity of my happiness though! Does it get better?! How can I tell for sure?!
5. Where do you currently want to be?
Anywhere but here <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
6. Is there someone who instantly makes you smile when they send you a message?
I think a higher priority should be placed on the message itself here.
7. Do you believe in love?
Of course. God is love.
8. Do you have trust issues?
I honestly have no idea why the font changed here. Seriously, I don't know what my computer did. I think I'm just going to go with it, though. PAY ATTENTION TO THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION! Um, sure I have issues with trust; I'm not going to specifiy what kind of issues but here's a hint: it's no kind of issues that should be placed in bold font over a graphic of attractive people in exotic locales looking moody. Nothing like "all a girl wants is for one man to prove to her that they're not all the same" or any of that twaddle.
9. Do you think you're trustworthy?
Yes. I try hard to be honest and to follow through with what I say. Unfortunately, I'm changeable and selfish and I let people down, but I like to think that my heart is in the right place.
10. Who's bed were you on last?
My own. Perpetual virgin right hurrr.
11. Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?
Physically, sure. But I'd prefer not to.
12. Have you jumped in a pool with all your clothes on?
Yeah! It was fun!
13. Is someone on your mind?
I've been having this weird asshole-ish tendency to want to answer all of these questions literally, according to how they're worded. I need to PIN THAT DOWN. (Note to self: Be normal-er. This is why you annoy people.)
Sure, I've been thinking of someone a lot. "Someone" is worth thinking about.
14. Do you always answer your phone?
Usually, if my phone is on me. I don't always have it on me and that bothers people.
15. What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
"Blaah..phone is going...I'm cold....Me not get up for three more hours...Can't think of anything worth facing today...."
16. Does anyone disgust you?
Certain types of people disgust me. People who are always takers and never givers. People who think that subjugation is an indication of strength and who think that people need to fear them in order to respect them. People who think criticism and insults are the ways to teach a lesson.
17. Do you laugh a lot?
Yeah I do
18. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I HOPE so. But if it's a mistake, it should be like a major mistake. My next kiss should be with an old white man..running for senate..who insists on something called "legitimate rape"...and it should take place in a meth lab...while Walter White cooks around us and scolds us for making a mess...and Gus is boxcutting someone in the background, making an even bigger mess...yeah, that's a mistaken kiss to be remembered.
19. How many people have you had STRONG feelings for this year?
Again, tendency to want to answer literally and specifically...romantically, one and a half
20. Were you single over the summer?
Blah, it was a RL version of the Facebook "It's Complicated" relationship status. But I'm gonna go with "no."
21. Is there anything you should be worried about?
Um, there are things I am worried about. Not sure if that means I should be worried about them.
22. You're up after 3 AM, what's the reason?
Not feelin' sleep ATM (as in, Automatic Transaction Machine...what were you thinking that was?)
23. Who was the last person to text you "hello"?
Sarah! Different Sara. Sarah with an "h." Not me, texting myself.
24. Have you ever liked someone just because they were good looking?
Absolutely.
25. Have you ever lost someone you wish you didn't?
Sure. I tripled the surveillance around my mansion, put up "wanted" posters all over this here town, but alas, he alluded me at every turn.
26. What's your mood at the moment?
Happy (but perhaps not TRULY happy) and sort of sedate
27. Have you ever liked someone then the feeling just dropped in the middle of nowhere?
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."
28. Have you ever been 'under the influence'?
Both under and above. I'm a lady-storm. Atmospheric, if you will.
29. Can you name all your best friends?
NAMES? Whoa. Whoa. Let's not get too carried away with all this personal baggage now...
30. Waiting for something?
LUUUUUUCY! YOU CANNOT BE IN THE SHOW! (in this word illustration, I am Lucy.)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Introductions, Expectations, etc.
Now that I've graduated, I may never be forced to write something substantial ever again.
This terrifies me, so I'm starting another blog to try to keep me writing.
And thinking.
And writing for an audience,
which serves a different purpose than my private journaling, the type of writing that usually ends up looking like an incoherent vomit-mess of emotions, set to cursive. The kind of frenzied self-expression that is just "too raw" to bother with the lesser details of attractive composition or, well, any kind of readerly understandable composition. Journaling isn't my trying to hone a craft; journaling is a coping mechanism.
But I want to hone a craft, and I'm no longer being held accountable by anyone to hone this craft, and I reeeeeally don't want to have peaked intellectually/artistically in undergrad, so blog I must!
My name is Sara, and I'm a post-graduate.
More daunting than that new ID, I was also one of those rotten English majors who only chose that major because she "wanted to learn things" and "loved to read."
Apparently there's no money or laid out lifeplan in that?
And now I'm hoping to retain that love and find new accountability partners for writing in this seemingly maddening (and potentially impoverished) time of great change. So:
Let's analyze,
Let's emote,
Let's create,
Let's blog this thing!
This terrifies me, so I'm starting another blog to try to keep me writing.
And thinking.
And writing for an audience,
which serves a different purpose than my private journaling, the type of writing that usually ends up looking like an incoherent vomit-mess of emotions, set to cursive. The kind of frenzied self-expression that is just "too raw" to bother with the lesser details of attractive composition or, well, any kind of readerly understandable composition. Journaling isn't my trying to hone a craft; journaling is a coping mechanism.
But I want to hone a craft, and I'm no longer being held accountable by anyone to hone this craft, and I reeeeeally don't want to have peaked intellectually/artistically in undergrad, so blog I must!
My name is Sara, and I'm a post-graduate.
More daunting than that new ID, I was also one of those rotten English majors who only chose that major because she "wanted to learn things" and "loved to read."
Apparently there's no money or laid out lifeplan in that?
And now I'm hoping to retain that love and find new accountability partners for writing in this seemingly maddening (and potentially impoverished) time of great change. So:
Let's analyze,
Let's emote,
Let's create,
Let's blog this thing!
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